Yes. APEC is in town. I have to work in the middle of the "exclusion zone" so I will attempt to both not get arrested, and get some photos of the wall. I'm not to bothered by anything like Bush or that... I am fascinated by the fencing it in thing.
So see you soon with some photos, or not so soon from jail.
I'm here at Fox Studios, in Sydney. I've never really spent any time here during the day. It's very... strange.
I've read a lot about the other-world feeling that you get in Hollywood, and even experienced it for myself many, many years ago. Being here, walking around the quietly fake boulevard, and drinking coffee in a empty, noisy joint while looking out at the scorching sunshine has brought those memories of the aforementioned experiences to the fore. I wonder; is this where my beloved city is heading?
Google Australia is celebrating Australia Day 2007 by photographing Sydney Harbour from the air, and we want to make sure as many of us as possible squeeze into the picture.
I'll try to do something clever. I'll probably forget.
This is me. At home. Those are colorful, beautiful birds that come to our house every morning for breakfast. I know that life is a little bit quiet and boring at the moment... but how bad can it be? Really? I have tropical birds that will eat seeds off my hands here every morning.
Wow.
... that I didn't like the new Thom Yorke album that much?
I've been listening to it as we travel on this train, and it's a bit... not good.
Sorry, I just can't bring myself to insult that man.
Sweet fucking Jesus. A smell has just permeated the carriage.
This smell bears an uncanny resemblance to shit. It is 8:52AM and we arrive at 10:31AM.
It is going to be a long journey.
Congratulations must go out to V-Line trains in Victoria Austalia for having the dirties, shittiest trains I've ever caught.
Yes. They even beat Hull trains. This is an achievement.
I am currently going crazy as we creak and moan our way towards Benella from Melbourne at walking pace. I had more pleasurable major surgery than this.
Please don't ever catch a V-Line train. Not until they take their stock out the back and shoot them and replace them with, I don't know, Hull trains cast offs.
I've mentioned this before, I know I have. I'm going to mention it again because it is the the only aspect of visiting Australia that I despise.
They assume you're a fucking thief.
Now, unsurprisingly, I've devoted some thought to this. It could be a hang over from the great time when all the crooks in England banded together and sent the bread thieves and such like over to a foreign paradise because they were making UK-thievery look bad. There might be some subconscious trust issues happening.
The manifestation of this doesn't take place in the home, far from it. Australia is, in my experience, the one country where you find open doors and smiling people who are genuinely happy to see you.
No. It takes place in the shops.
Stop me if you find the following weird.
When you walk into the shop with a bag. If you explore the shop closely and carefully you'll find a little sign informing you that it is a condition of entry to the store that you'll let them search your bag. This sign is normally found on the back wall, somewhere near the changing rooms, conveniently situated so you have to go through the whole fucking shop until you find it. Then when you leave someone, normally small and weasely accosts you.
A typical shopping interaction goes something like this:
PERSON WALKS TOWARDS THE EXIT OF AN OPEN PLAN SHOP, WHERE ONLY THE MOST MYSTIC OF MYSTIC NINJAS COULD STEAL ANYTHING UNNOTICED.
SECURITY ADOPTS ASPECT OF SMALL MAN SYNDROME AND STANDS IN THE WAY PERSON OBSTRUCTING THEIR PROGRESS.
SECURITY: Can I check you bag?
PERSON: Absolutely, because I am very reasonable and a complete sheep and will not rock the boat, even though I am carrying a lot of bags, and this is very, very inconvenient.
SECURITY: Excellent, I will now stand here and not offer any assistance whatsoever. I might even chuckle as you dislocate your index finger trying to satisfy my little power trip.
PERSON: Ow. Um. Can you help, there is some blood loss taking place.
SECURITY: Sorry, I don't speak English.
PERSON: I feel rather fait.
SECURITY GLANCES IN BAG, DOESN'T NOTICE DISMEMBERED HEAD AND CLASS A DRUGS.
SECURITY: Grunt.
PERSON: I can't feel my arm. I have assumed Grunt means I am free to move on. I will now go to casualty.
As you can see it's not a pleasant experience. I have decided to play with this. This is how a Kristian shopping interaction takes place:
KRISTIAN WALKS TOWARDS THE EXIT OF AN OPEN PLAN SHOP, WHERE ONLY THE MOST MYSTIC OF MYSTIC NINJAS COULD STEAL ANYTHING UNNOTICED.
SECURITY ADOPTS ASPECT OF SMALL MAN SYNDROME AND STANDS IN THE WAY PERSON OBSTRUCTING THEIR PROGRESS.
SECURITY: Can I check you bag?
KRISTIAN: No
SECURITY: Sorry. Can I check your bag?
KRISTIAN: No
SECURITY: I have to check your bag, sir
KRISTIAN WAVES HAND
KRISTIAN: No, you don't.
SECURITY ADOPTS ASPECT OF FAILED BUSINESSMAN TO COMPOUND ASPECT OF SMALL MAN SYNDROME.
SECURITY: Yes, I do. It is a condition...
KRISTIAN INTERRUPTS THE RANT, MOMENTARILY WISHING HE HAD USED THE JEDI MIND TRICK FROM THE SUPERIOR TRILLOGY
KRISTIAN: So I read, at the back of the store. You would have thought that a condtion of ENTRY to the store would have been advertised out the front of the store.
SECURITY PAUSES. KRISTIAN'S SENTANCE WAS TOO LONG.
SECURITY: Open your bag please sir.
KRISTIAN: Tell you what, I know your just doing your job. You open the bag, and I'll have met you half way.
SECURITY LOOKS BLANK.
KRISTIAN: Um. I said OK. If you do the work.
SECURITY LOOKS BLANK.
KRISTAIN WALKS AROUND SECURITY, TOWARDS THE EXIT.
Now I'm going to pause at this point, because I think I should name names. I've had this in every store I've been in here. At first I thought it was me, then I noticed them stopping everyone. I particularly enjoyed an event when secuiryt stopped a tired mother with a pram, and searched the fucking pram, complete with infant in it, and in doing so woke the sleeping baby. This turned out to be much like waking the sleeping tiger.
Anyway, this event isn't fictional, it happened to me after spending AUS$450 at JB Hi-Fi at the central plaza in Sydney. Allow me to continue:
SECURITY PLACES HIS FUCKING HAND AROUND KRISTIAN'S ARM AND SPINS HIM. KRISTIAN'S BLOOD BOILS, HIS FOREARMS START HURTING BECAUSE HE IS SURE THAT WOLVERINE STYLE CLAWS ARE ABOUT TO BURST OUT. AS THIS HAPPENS OLD MAN WITH A CAIN TOTTERS INTO THE STORE. KRISTIAN: I suggest you don't fucking touch me. Ever. SECURITY: I'll have to get my manager. KRISTIAN: I'll have to tell your manager I just spanked $450 in this rat hole. Then I'll have to get my lawyer. SECURITY NOTICES OLD MAN WITH A CAIN TURN AROUND AND GO TO WALK OUT. SECURITY RELEASES KRISTIAN, AND ACCOSTS OLD MAN WITH A CAIN WHO WAS IN THE SHOP FOR 5 FUCKING SECONDS. KRISTIAN LEAVES. HE'S NOT PURCHASING JACK SHIT FROM THAT STORE AGAIN.
There is an important lesson there. I'm no longer spending money in any stores that search your bag, make you put your bag behind a counter (UTOPIA records, I'm looking at you), and generally treat you like a thief. I'll take my impressive London City wage elsewhere. Like the internet.
