Why we do the things we do
The fact that this forum is public brings some valid criticism. Criticism is, by it's very nature, quite subjective. I agree some some ("I give far to much away") and not others ("childish", "no place for this in a blog"). In the end though, I find the criticism useful. It forces me to rethink and revisit some things that I would normally just drop here and walk away from. Even the most (at least in my opinion) useless for of criticism, that which is just a personal stab ("fuck you whine a lot") can bring some useful reflection.
So in the spirit of this reflect, and for some contextual refinement to the reader, I'm going to share a portion of something that I've (perhaps) not been able to make entirely clear.
The devastating effect that the loss of my long term relationship has had needs to be considered in all things I do and say at the moment.
This I am neither happy, nor sad about. Merely sort of tolerating, because it's the way it is. You can take the statement at face value and walk away now, there are other posts, I'm sure. Or you can delve a little deeper.
On many levels, non of the current state of my mind can be directly attributed to the break up. Instead one must go further, and make some acceptances.
Yes Emma and I fought and grew apart. Yes I also see that. I acknowledge it formally here for all of you. Yes we often both treated each other badly. Yes to many more things, but know these two things as a give:
1 - I love her. It doesn't matter.
2 - Problem, feed thyself.
Leave 1. It's a no-go area at the moment, because it's all so raw.
Take 2, possibly the most heinous, of of context, disgusting misquote I've ever employed.
Look past that, please. The writing will pick up again. I promise.
I believe passionately and deeply that the reasons we developed, and ultimately destroyed, the relationship the way we did was because we had a problem. Then a pattern of behavior was set up to deal with the problem, which resulted in the problem getting worse, and so the behavior was exaggerated again, and on we went.
Example: I used to do everything with Emma. We had issues. I retreated to friends. Can you imagine how that feels? It'd feel like a loved one dropped you. So, feeling betrayed and isolated, Emma then causes more issues. I retreated further. The distance is greater and... shit.
This sorta happened for a few years.
An interesting aside for people keeping track: I'd love to be back where we were, but... gah. Not going to happen. That's been made abundantly clear.
OK, so we have acknowledgment of the issue. Go further. Something compounds this. I'd almost say this is worse. it's not. Not quite. But it will be. The overwhelming issue will always be that I'm not with her, but this new point is worth considering.
I knew it was happening.
A little louder. Give it weight:
I knew it was happening.
The old inner voice talks to me non-stop. Do this. Don't do that. When I was critical of us, it said "don't say that". When we moved apart (physically and emotionally) it was screaming like a motherbitch. "No. No Kristian. For the love of God, don't fucking do it you moron" it'd say. But I knew better, didn't I? Did I bollocks.
So what I'm trying to figure out at the moment is; how do you cope with a breakup that's hurting so much, after so long, when you know you could have, and should have stopped it?
Just how the hell do you live with yourself now?
Answers on a postcard.
Listening to: Help Me Please from the album "Help: A Day In The Life" by Hard-Fi
[posted with ecto]