Closure
I'm trying to fit somewhere in the middle. To help me do this, I'm going to start with a few statements to set the scene. I've also disabled comments on this post because... I don't really care what you think about it. This is my thought vomit, and it's here as is. I don't want your opinion/scorn/sympathy.
But first I need to tell you why I'm doing it in the first place.
This blog is about the cool things, etc. that happen to me. Sorta. I like to think of it as a brain dump, where I can go to capture some of the important things that happen to me. The fact that it's public, well that's just a special boon that assists with self-editing, isn't it? I try to be honest, but I remember that anyone can read this. Trust me; it does help to cut the crap.
Well the end of the 7 year union with a lovely lady is just the type of important thing that I want to capture.
This photo fits. It's a very happy younger us.
So yeah. Closure. Let's do this.
Although we were together for the last 7 years, the last 2 have been like a cancer that I believe we both agree should be cut out of our lives.
Yes, I stole her from another guy. That she'd been seeing for a month.
Yes, I've had opportunities to be with someone else.
I don't know if she has.
Yes, I've not gone looking since the end.
No, this isn't the first time we've broken up.
No, I don't mind that she gets with other people. As long as I don't have to see them.
I value honesty, but not exclusively.
Deliberately omitting something is the same as lying. Get over it.
Ten is a round number, so I need to think of something. Oh. We broke up about a month ago (although we've been on-again off-again for about a year).
For 5 years she was my everything, and yes it's very weird to write that. For the last 2 years, I think that she's been as much of a strain on me as I have on her.
As a bit of a side note, and interesting repercussion of this break-up thing, I can no longer state that I loved her (but apparently can write it. That's interesting). I have conversations, and I'll go to say “back when I … um, yeah…” rather than saying “back when I loved her”. Very strange. It makes my friends laugh. I'm happy to be bringing joy to someone's life.
More happy us. Hmmm. Also from a while ago. Is there a pattern here?
Moving along, we've been on the verge of breaking up for 6 months, a very distressing time. Actually we broke up a number of times. I've also been told (often) that it's not like we're even together anymore, but I was also told with alarming regularity towards the end that I was shit, and as I am the awesome, I know that she doesn't speak the truth.
It died one morning about 4 weeks ago. It went out with a whimper (I believe I got thrown out of her house) rather than a bang (no one was hurt). We didn't really speak to each other for a week, saw each other briefly at a mutual friend's BBQ, and went our separate ways. For a while.
Here the story gets interesting. Two friends are getting married soon. This is important to the story.
I went to the stag do. Um, I fucking organised the stag do. Emma went to the Hen do. It was two weeks after we broke up. Where she fucked at Hen's brother.
That's the word. Fucked.
No-one told me. Until the secret, which is rather dirty, worked it's way out. The groom told me, as we are very good friends. It was the hardest thing that he has ever had to do, and it was the worst news I ever received.
I'll take a quick break here to sing his praises. What he has done, and the issues that have spun out of it, have marked him as the best friend a man can have. He'll never know how greatful I am, or at least never have a cause to understand it (I hope).
Anyway, let us continue. For some reason I threw up; Actual physical vomiting took place. I'm afraid of doing that, and it stung my newly pierced lip like a bitch, but I did it anyway. Twice. Yes sweet corn was there. That shit gets everywhere.
I've been trying to decide what the problem is. I mean, it's over, so there should be no issue. Yeah, some respect would have been nice (either in the form of her waiting a little longer, or her doing it with someone I don't have to see EVER, or perhaps her telling me about it herself). Yeah, I sort of wish it hadn't happened. But… it was going to some time. I'm not sure if any of the above stuff would have made it better or not. I do know that it was pretty awful the way it worked out at least for me.
I think what I'm missing is some remorse, even if it's for the way it made me feel. Sadly the woman in question doesn't seem to understand this, and thinks that everything is OK. Peachey keen. It's OK to behave like this, because hey… it's not like we were together.
I just guess I'm not worth that much… or rather, not worth that much to her. I am, after all… the awesome. Someone rates me, and that someone(s) are far better than those that don't.
It's sad, but you know what the relationship means to me now? Nothing. The way the end has been handled has brought only corruption to the memory of it. I can't look at photos and smile while thinking of the happy times. I just think of the sick feeling that I get when I imagine her with someone else. Sorry, scratch that last bit, I actually think of the fact I was sick when I found out about her and somebody else. Then I laugh, because baby… I know what he looks like, and I am the awesome, especially in comparison. Haha.
This is liberating. Stay with me, I know we've been here for a while.
Suddenly there's closure. I see new people, and I acknowledge things that I've probably wanted for a while. I can now do what I like, and my fucking annoying conscious doesn't get in the way. I don't have any “give it time” or any “give it respect” thoughts. Instead I just think about how I'm going find someone else, and it'll be sooner, because through the pain, depression anxiety (and vomiting) I have achieved Closure. Let me tell you, closure is the spiritual nirvana of break-ups my friend. That's me. Spiritual Nirvana. So good, it gets a capital.
Now, do I feel validated by writing all this down? No, not really, but here it is. Do I think it's helped? Not sure yet, I'm sure that in a couple of years I'll look back, read this, and laugh. More important to me is that I think that this will provide context to anything that is said here over the next few weeks. My head is in a weird space because a bunch of doors have closed, and honestly… I'm not sure what that means yet. But it's going to be very fun to find out.
Normal service resumes tomorrow with NIN and live8 thoughts and hopefully some anonymous tomfoolery. You never know.
[posted with ecto]